Feels like I fell off the face of the earth...

So, it's been a while. I think about it often and never feel like I have anything worth sharing, so I move on to something else. That's how my whole life has been lately. Don't feel like I'm making progress or making a difference? Move on to something new. Try to find somewhere I can make a difference. I'm still looking for that place. So, while I'm looking, here's a few updates on my life.
I think the biggest update is that I've decided to take a break from serving in youth ministry at church. I feel like my focus & heart just aren't there right now. I've really been stressing about a few things in my life like (mainly the divorce that never ends) my daughter starting school and getting back into the swing of homework and school events so, I decided to take some time off and focus on family and my own well being.

1st day of 4th grade

I started knitting again to calm my nerves and take up some of the new founded down time I have (aka procrastination cause I don't want to clean.) I started knitting last October so it's been about a year. I taught myself by watching videos on you tube and getting some advice from a few awesome knitty friends. Knitting seems to be alot like my life. I start stuff and get bored or don't feel like I'm making progress and I start something new. When I decided to start up again, I currently had 3 sets of needles with 3 different projects on them. I scrapped 2 of them to free up some needles and ended up buying a new set of circular needles to make a hat. I've only made 1 hat before so I was a little nervous, but decided to take on switching colors with this one. It's finished now and I must say, I'm quite impressed. So much so that I actually decided to do a bi-colored scarf to match. Knitting is relaxing to me. I don't watch too much TV, so knitting is like my wind down, zone out activity. I'm really enjoying this quite time. But, I'm not enjoying the house work that's adding up while I'm knitting...Ugh

Speaking of relaxing time, I've been spending some time at a friend's beautiful home in Alloway. She's got a beautiful patio and such a relaxing back yard. A few friends, a fire and some beautiful scenery may just be doing me more good than I realize. These particular friends may be doing me even more good than the scenery :) Good friends are hard to come by and I'm so blessed to have so many. I may have been a little distant to some, but please know that I love you dearly and I'd love to catch up soon!!!

Lastly, we have a new addition to our home. A cute little black & while kitty named Bella. She is so sweet. A friend needed to find a home for her and I had been thinking about it for a while, so the time seemed right! Alyssa is in love!! And Bella is adjusting. lol! I'm sure we'll have lots of interesting stories. Nothing is boring in my house!

So now you know I didn't fall off the face of the earth. I've just been taking a little hiatus. And may be taking it for a little while longer. But seriously, I'd love to catch up with you. it's been way too long. Let me know when you're free to get together & chat!!

My heart's burdens

Life seems to have a way of getting away from me these days. I'm running off in a million directions. Honestly, I complain about being busy all the time, but I create my own busyness. Probably so I don't have to sit home with nothing to do which usually leads to over thinking every little situation in my life I really don't want to even think about. But something happened this morning. Before 9am. I'm not even fully awake before 9am. So what could have this effect on a Tuesday morning before 9am? I read a blog post, that's what. A post that shook me. A post that broke my heart all over again for something it was already broken for. A post that took all of my busyness, all of my pettiness, all of my selfishness and threw it right out the window of my heart. So on a random Tuesday morning, my heart has been emptied and then filled up again within minutes. My words aren't enough. You need to read this post

http://mshaiti.blogspot.com/2013/06/not-afraid.html

I guess I should back up a little here. I know it's still early. So, I went to Haiti last summer where I met some of the most amazing people I'm so blessed to call my friends, my brother & sister in Christ. Matt & Satcey have been serving as missionaries in Haiti for many years now. I've heard stories about what it's like down there. I've seen pictures. But you have no idea. I had no clue. Until I went. And I was only there for a week. In short, Haiti is a place filled with great darkness. Evil. Hatred. Corruption. A place where Christians are a minority. A place where Christians are persecuted. And not just by words. We think our lives here as Christians are difficult. NO. Not even close. Reading this post this morning pretty much knocked me back a few steps. I'm pretty sure I needed a reality check, given some of the crap that's been swirling around me recently. It so easy for me to complain how difficult my life is. How unfair things are. How I'm being "persecuted" for my beliefs and my faith. How I'm being accused of things and how mean and hurtful things are being said about me. In hindsight, that stuff's not even important. Praising God this morning for His promises. For the heart He's given me. For the heart He's given Matt & Stacey. And so many others. I'm not afraid of what's to come. Jeremiah 29:11

It's all CRAP! Well, most of it really isn't, but still...

I'm starting to feel guilty for not posting lately. I wonder if this is common for all blog writers. I just don't have anything profound to say. The entire month of May was like a whirlwind of busyness and now it's June already. I feel like I've gotten nothing accomplished but oh, so much has changed. But due to unresolved circumstances in my life, you'll just have to be content with knowing that things are starting to look up.

So, two weekends ago I was in Baltimore for my cousin's wedding. My mom was actually a part of the wedding (stand in for mother of the groom) so we went down Friday afternoon to get settled in before the rehearsal. Now, I've stayed in a few hotels. I traveled frequently for work a couple years ago. But this hotel was amazing! Gorgeous. Smack dab in the middle of the Inner Harbor section of Baltimore. The wedding took place at Camden Yards (Orioles baseball field) since both the bride & groom are huge sports fans. In all honesty, I wasn't really looking forward to the whole thing. I'm not into sports. I could care less. I figured it's be boring & dumb. But, it was really cool. Rehearsal dinner was in the "Little Italy" section on the city and was super yummy.

Saturday morning we walked down to the Inner Harbor and did the Dragon paddle boats. Lots of leg work, but it was fun! And the weather was BEAUTIFUL! The wedding was great and the reception was a blast. Then I did something so out of my realm. I boarded a bus with people I didn't know (well I knew like 2 people) and thus officially began the "after party." Usually, I would have been in bed by that time, but YOLO, right?!! LOL!! Anyway, the party bus, complete with loud music, flashing lights and a pole right in the middle of the aisle, took us on a journey that seemed hours long. Our destination unknown. At least the ride was entertaining!! Finally, we arrived at this place, where I overheard someone say that we were close to DC, right across the river. We were actually in Alexandria, VA!! At a dueling Piano Bar!! Pretty stinkin cool if you have an appreciation for music as I do (I played piano and various other instruments for many, many years.) It was a good time and I'm glad I went (even though I was pretty exhausted by the time we got home!!) Enjoy some various shots of the weekend's festivities...

So then, last weekend, I had the privilege of spending a couple days with 52 other young ladies for the Sharptown annual Girl's Retreat in Ocean City NJ. This is the 3rd year I've participated in this, I believe, but this year was different. We (the youth leaders) were doing all of the lesson writing & presenting ourselves. We usually have a speaker for the weekend, but due to some scheduling conflicts, we decided to take this on ourselves. The workload was overwhelming. We spent hours on planning, discussing, meeting. And then even more hours reading and writing out our lessons. Minus a few procrastinators, aahem, Kelli, cough, we were pretty prepared. We felt good, excited. Went down Friday, set up, things were coming together. Our hard work was paying off. And that's so gratifying! To see it all come together so much more perfectly that we could have ever imagined. God has a way of slipping that into our lives. We just have to be aware enough to recognize and appreciate it. So, anyway, Friday night was great! It's finally bed time (possibly my favorite time of the day) and if you've ever been anywhere with a group of girls, you know there's gonna be noise pretty much all night. Chatting, giggling, music, doors opening & closing. You kinda block that stuff out after a while. So, in my peaceful slumber, I vaguely remember hearing some kind of beeping, alarm type noise. No big deal. Probably somebody's cell phone or some game they're playing. I'm guessing it went on for 20 min or so. Ah, I figured, it'll stop eventually, as I drifted back off to sleepy land. Then I hear the somewhat panicked voice of my dear friend Erika telling everyone they should probably get up and get out of the house. The fire alarm!! How could I sleep through that!! How could several of us lay in our beds while who knows what was going on downstairs?? Now, let me just back up a little here. This house is 4 stories. I'm on the 4th floor. I think somebody forgot about us cause half the floor was still sleeping!! It was 2am as we shuffled down endless stairs unitl we came to the 2nd floor, the main living space. The sound of water pouring was almost deafening. Was there really a fire? Fortunately, no. But water was POURING from the ceiling. We tried to put anything that would catch the water in the area, but it was no use. There was too much water. Somehow, I found out that a sink had been accidently knocked off the wall in a bedroom, so back up to the 3rd floor I went, to investigate. The girls in the room were smart enough to put a towel over the broken pipe, but it came off and water was spraying everywhere!! Poor girls!!! They were soaked!! Long story short, the owner of the house came and got the water turned off. The water to the whole house. So no potty-ing for us! It's always the second you know there's no bathroom available that you have to go the most. But I suppressed my urge and went back to bed. They ended up getting it all fixed up and by morning we were fine.

Saturday went pretty much as scheduled. Lessons, amazing taco lunch, free time on the boardwalk.

Sunday morning holds a special place inside me. A special place filled with dread, yet wonder. With overwhelming tiredness, yet amazement and maybe even a little excitement. Shhh!! Don't tell anyone I said that!!! We're up at 4:45am. We walk 5 or 6 blocks to the beach. We sing praises to our Creator. Quietly and sleepily and out of tune, but we sing. And then we see it. The beautiful, amazing, wonderful light. The sun. Peeking its way over the horizon. It happens so quickly! And it gets me every time. We aren't worthy of this. Of His greatness. Of His beauty. But, His GRACE is enough! We talked all weekend about Obsessions in our lives and how we can replace our desires for those "things" with God. And how He's ENOUGH. And at that moment, He is. We hear an amazing young girl share an amazing poem and head back to the house. Breakfast, packing and it's time for our final session of the weekend. We're tired. But Lorraine...Man, I don't even have words. I love Lorraine. She's amazing in so many ways! But what I love most about Lorraine is how she loves. How she loves me. How she loves these girls. I am so blessed to be a part of this woman's life. I am so honored to call this woman my friend. And as Lorraine spoke, through tears from her heart, young people's lives were changed. That's why we do this. Well, that and cause we have just as much fun (if not more) than the kids!! I think the most profound thing that she said was something along the lines of "It's all Crap!" And at that moment, she threw a suitcase full of "obsessions" on the floor. Speechless. Amen! but speechless. I have a feeling it hit a lot of people as hard as it hit the floor. What drives you? What motivates you? What are you living for? Is it all the CRAP the world tells us we should do and have and say and look like and be? It's not my place to tell anyone how to live their life. But I can live mine so that I'm a light for them when they're in a dark place. Not on my own though. I'm nothing on my own. All of Lorraine's words were from God. And I put my life in God's hands. Not my will, but yours. Ok, so maybe that was a little profound as well, but man oh man! Good stuff. 

I'll end with this. When we find ourselves overwhelmed with busyness and we're barely treading water, we can't just shut down. We need to give up. Yes, that's right. GIVE UP. Give up the control. Give up the desires. Give up the crap. Because that's exactly what it is. When we're walking where God wants us to walk, we'll see the things God wants us to see. 

**Special note: Lorraine, I love you. I know you're not a "spotlight" kinda gal, but you're an important part of this story. And to all the other leaders who did an amazing job this past weekend, Emily, Tanya Angie, Erika, Sarah, Georgia, Vicki, Bri, Sasha, Thank you. I love you girls and I know we were right where we needed to be.

**And another note: The "devil" evidently texts now, so watch out!

A Time to Rejoice

This post is not for everyone. It's long. It has lots of details. And it's very personal. If you do choose to read this please know that I share this because it was and still is a big part of who I am today.

So, I'm coming up on the 4 year anniversary of a life changing journey and I like to take time each year to reflect on my life and share some of what I endured in hopes of educating and encouraging anyone who went through or might ever go through something similar. To some of you, this may be old news and you've heard this story several times. To you, I'm so thankful you're in my life and you mean the world to me!! To everyone else, I'll do my best to spare all of the wonderfully gory details, but if you're interested, let me know and I'll tell you all about it!! Every bit of it!!I'll even show you my scars if you ask nicely! :)

Take a journey with me, if you would, back to the summer of 2007. I was 27, married for about 4 years and had a 3 year old little girl. Life was pretty normal. Then one day, I got sick. Like stomach ache, in the bathroom all day sick. And I kinda never got better. It would come and go and I didn't actually feel "sick," just had a belly ache and had to run to the bathroom a lot. I figured if I just left it alone, I'd get better. But it didn't get better. It got worse. The pain was unbearable at times. Like curl up in a ball and cry pain. And the urgency to go to the bathroom was serious, like NO I can not hold it! And this became an every day, usually several times a day, way of life for me. And then the unthinkable happened. I started seeing blood in the toilet. Not a little. A LOT. Every time. And I was scared. And embarrassed. And I didn't tell anybody. After a while, my husband found out and made me go to the doctor's. A year later. Yes, I dealt with this for a year.

So, I went to the doctor's. And then I had some tests and saw some more doctor's and nothing. Finally, they scheduled me for the dreaded colonoscopy. What?! I'm still in my 20's!! I'm not supposed to have to do this for like 30 more years! But there I was. And it wasn't all that bad. The procedure, that is. The prep, now that's a different story. Shortly after I woke up (I would not recommend doing this any other way than being completely out!) my new doctor friend (cause I'm not letting just anybody see me naked!!) met me in recovery to tell me the news. I had a disease called "Ulcertive Colitis." I had never heard of it. He explained a little about it, but I don't remember much of what he said. Something about it being similar to it's more popular cousin Chrons, which I actually knew a few people who had that. After scheduling more appointments and doing lots & lots of research, I learned that this was a disease with no cure. Great. I'm never getting better. Seems it doesn't really have any cause either. But at least I know what's wrong with me, right? Long story short, my treatment was to consist of taking anti-inflammatory medication. No big deal, right? WRONG. 15-18 large pills a day. I felt like an old person, having to carry around all these pills! FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. *Sigh* It could be worse, right?

I was right about that. It was worse. See, this disease is kinda like cancer. It's cyclic, going from active to remission and many times back and forth. The pills didn't put me into "remission" like they should have. I tried several different ones. Nothing. It's also what's called an auto-immune disease. Basically, your immune system turns on to fight a sickness and never turns off. Your fighter cells start attacking the soft tissue of your intestines, only the large intestine in UC, creating ulcers that can't heal because they keep being attacked. So, how do they fix that? Basically, they turn your immune system off. Not a great idea, especially when you have a 5 year old. There was one more thing I could try first. Steroids. Great, now I'm gonna be all buff! Nope, not quite. I was just hungry and moody and couldn't sleep. But, for about 10 weeks, I took the steroids and waited for something to happen. Nothing. Unless you count gaining 30lbs something.Since long term steroid use is pretty dangerous, we decided to move on.

This brings us to late 2008. I was running out of options. Down to the last 2. Neither one was a good option either. Option 1 was a medicine that was taken by infusion for several hours every few weeks. I would need to go into the hospital to get this treatment. The side effects were scary. Tuberculosis, lymphoma, and no immune system. Ok, so what's option 2? Surgery. Complete removal of the colon (or large intestine & rectum) since my entire colon was effected. Really? Can you even live with out your large intestine? Evidently, you can. So, a year after I was diagnosed and 2 years after symptoms began, I was scheduled to have the 1st of 2 extremely invasive, but life changing surgeries.

Oh, I forgot to mention something that was kinda important. Having this disease increases your risk of colon caner by like 90%. Nothing like being told you're most likely gonna end up with colon cancer one day.

Anyway, May 8, 2009 was surgery #1. Proto-colectomy with temporary ileostomy & "j-pouch" creation. Sounds kinda exciting. Do you know what an ileostomy is? It's when they take your intestine and cut it and bring it out through your abdomen wall to empty in a bag. Let's just say, the 1st 5 days I spent in the hospital following the surgery were the easiest. That was the worst 3 months of my life. I don't know how people live with an ostomy for the rest of their lives. It was horrible. Every second. I swore I had made the worst mistake of my life. I had a great support system of family & friends, but it sucked. Fast forward 3 months and it's time for surgery #2. Ileostomy reversal and "j-pouch" hookup. FINALLY! Another 5 days in the hospital and I'm ready for my new life to begin!!

Whoaaa there cowboy! Hold on to your horses. Recovery was tough. I cried a lot. I now had 5 hideous scars on my belly. I had to be super careful with what I ate. But, I was cured!! And at my 3 month follow up, my surgeon told me that out of all the surgeries he's done, he's never seen a case of recovery quite like mine. I was like a poster child for this!! NO bad side effects. NO lingering pain. NO incontinence (which is BIG with these surgeries.) He was amazed. Not me. I knew why. I knew from the beginning that God was in this. I knew that He would bring me through. And I knew He was the reason, the only reason, I was CURED! I don't know why God healed me, but I'm pretty thankful that he did. Guess He thinks I'm pretty important. :)

So, here we are. May 2013. 4 years since my 1st surgery. Lots of people have issues, blockages, leakage, etc. I've had NO complications. Lots of people can't eat certain foods. I can eat everything! That may not be totally a good thing! I do know some other good thongs though. I never have to worry about colon cancer! I never have to have another colonoscopy or do another bowel prep!!! I'm never constipated!!! Hooray for the small things in life! So take a minute, if you would, and rejoice with me. Rejoice for something good in your life and for this great adventure in mine. Although lots of things have changed since that day back in 2007, God has remained the same. Ever faithful, ever loving, ever mighty.

Obsessed

So, I guess you could say I'm an "extremes" kinda girl. I either love it or hate it. I'm either all in or not at all. There's not a lot of grey areas here. I make commitments and don't break them. I prioritize and stick to it. Not that my priorities are always in the right order, but at least I stick to it! I set goals and achieve them. It's just what I do. I'm strong willed, sometimes also known as stubborn.

I'm currently working on preparing for my youth group's annual girl's retreat. In case you didn't know, I am very active in my church's youth program. I've been leading the youth with an increasingly amazing team of adults (who are so not grown ups!) for the last 5 or so years. I LOVE that group of people friends family! Most of the kids are pretty cool too :D Anyway, this is our 4th year hosting the girl's retreat in OCNJ. We usually have a pretty good turn out, I'd say 50-80 people including leaders.

 2011 Girls Retreat - "Chosen"

The official Welcoming Committee 2012 Girls Retreat - "Woven" 

Anyway, the theme for this year's retreat is "Obsessed." (Making Christ the Desire of You Heart.) This year will be the first year that some of the leaders will be preparing and presenting lessons, (we've had a "speaker" in past years) and I'm grateful to have the privilege of being a facilitator. Now, I've taught Sunday School for several years and youth group lessons pretty frequently and it's not something I stress over. I'm a procrastinator by nature and usually wait until a few days before to prepare my lesson. I work better under pressure. This, right here, is a different beast my friends. This is BIG. This is 8-10 hours of work right here. Please don't think I'm complaining. I'm not!! I'm excited! But, I'm a tad overwhelmed at this moment. There's a whole month until the retreat and I've actually started looking at the material! 

That's not the issue though...

I'm sure you've heard the saying "you are what you eat." Not literally, of course. If that was the case, I'd be a very strange mix of every fast food/take out place in Salem County. That would not be cute. Not exactly completely figurative either, though. What you surround yourself with and what you pour into yourself is what will come out. It would probably be pretty difficult to be a happy person if you were constantly surrounded by negativity and sadness and depression. 

To kinda tie this all together, this book, Obsessed, has already started to make a huge impact in my life, and I've only finished the 1st chapter! Did you know we were made to be obsessed? What!? That sounds horrible!! But, looking back at my life, I can see it everywhere. Obsessions with boys, obsessions with fitting in, obsessions with food, obsessions with my phone!!! Now, I don't want to give too much of this away because I know some of my most favorite girls who will be attending the retreat may be reading this, but let me just say this: What if I made God my obsession? What would my life look like? Man, I don't know. I would have to give up a lot. EXACTLY Can I do that? Not on my own, I know that much already. Do I even want to do that? I wish I could confidently answer yes to that question. But get this: "Love the Lord your God with ALL your heart, with ALL your soul, with ALL you mind, and with ALL your strength." (Mark 12:30) Last I checked, ALL doesn't mean part or some or even most. It means ALL. {big sigh} 

Looks like I need to spend more time reading and praying and being obsessed with the right things and less time on my phone playing candy crush (among so many other things I waste time doing.) Would you be interested in joining me? Would you be willing to lift this retreat and the leaders who are preparing to share this life changing message up in prayer? Do you have a teen aged girl who might benefit from something like this? I want to make a difference in some one's life. I can't do that if I can't make a difference in my own first. 

It's sink or swim time people

So, I've been thinking about blogging for a while now but never did it for several reasons. 1. I don't know how much of what I have to say would be interesting to anyone else. 2. A lot of what I say seems to be taken the wrong way unless I'm saying it directly to you so I fear hurting people's feelings. 3. I'm honest. Brutally honest. Sometimes that scares people. If I'm gonna blog, it's gonna be real. 4. People might think I'm really crazy (or finally realize that I am!) 5. I don't have a ton of extra free time and I will totally use blogging as an excuse to not do other things like laundry, dishes and reading the many books I'm currently in the middle of. I think that about sums it up. But, here I find myself. I don't know anything about all the fanciness you can do with blogs, so I'm sure my formats and frillys will change eventually.
Here's the main reason I finally jumped in the pool: I've read so many inspiring blogs from friends and there's that teiny tiny chance that maybe something I have to say might inspire someone else. I'm a helper. I'm happy helping. I wanna help you!! Along with my honesty comes boldness. Sometimes we need someone to be bold and say the things we're thinking but aren't bold enough to say. I'm good at that!
I know this is all over the place but I have so much to say! I need to find the place where you say a little something about who you are and what you do so I don't have to type it all twice. I need to figure out if I want this thing to have some sort of topic or if it's just gonna be full of randomness. I'm gonna venture to guess it'll be pretty random. Kinda like my Jack Russell with ADD. Lastly, I struggle with how much sharing is too much. Do I tell you all my personal business and hope you don't think I belong in a mental institution or do I keep it more casual, only posting when I have something profound to say? Na, that's too easy. I want to push myself out of my comfort zone with this. I want to share openly and honestly. I need to just be me. I like me. Most of the time at least. Anyway, before I just continue to ramble on, I gotta go help my mini me with some homework. Thanks for reading and hopefully I can get the logistics all figured out soon and have some cool pictures and sparkley stuff. I LOVE sparkles.